September 2011
8 posts
…alternatively, you’re Michael J. Fox.
agreed, but the bulk of those worse things are actually widely acknowledged as Bad Things, viewed as undeserved, and are (usually) not mocked; whereas a lot of people still believe that trans* people are asking for it by “wanting” to be trans in the first place, and deserve transphobia.
Like - few people would make fun of someone in a wheelchair, but it’s usually open season on trans people.
As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, I’ve been on T for about a month now. It’s hard to explain how I feel, but I almost think I’m doubting myself or having second thoughts about transition. I hate being called a girl, but being called a guy is really weird. I’ve spent at least 4 years trying…
hey. I don’t know you personally, but I can relate to a lot of this stuff - also gay and trans, currently 6 months on T, always hated being a girl, having a female body, etc, but being a guy likewise feels weird, also a virgin and intimidated by gay men (well, cis men in general), also paranoid about the possibility that I’m just deluding myself. If you’re not already there, I’d recommend you check out the ftm community on LiveJournal and post about this; those guys have been a great help to me. Most early transition tends to suck, according to them at least, and it’s been good to know that I wasn’t alone, so maybe it could help you too.
Regarding the rest - if you could have anything in the world, what would you want? What gender would you want to be? Cis or trans? What kind of body would you want?
I’ve eventually come to accept that, no, I wouldn’t rather have been born cis male or cis female, because I would have turned out a wholly different person than I am today, and I’m grateful for who I’ve turned out to be, with all my issues and problems and messes and joys. I still often get dysphoric about my body, but I’m trying to accept that too. Because it’s who I am. It’s a body that I’ve had a part in constructing, and that makes it all the more mine.
And while I still have doubts about my gender, I’m trying to simplify things to what I know. I don’t know if I’m *really* a man or just a deluded woman. But I know that if I could choose, I’d much rather have a male body and be seen as male. I don’t know if I could have just tried harder to accept my body the way it is. But I know that going on T has made me so, so, so much happier and comfortable with myself. I don’t know if I’ll regret having transitioned in future. But I know that if I hadn’t started, I’d probably have killed myself by now. I don’t know if I’d end up being upset at having a ‘stunted’ body. But I know that I was extremely unhappy with the one I was born with, and practically unable to function in it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find a partner who is willing to enter with me into a romantic and/or sexual relationship. But I know that if I didn’t transition, my own dysphoria would have effectively forced me to stay single and a virgin my whole life. And I don’t know if it’s worth it to risk rejection by friends, family, and most of society; but I know that I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.
So start from there. Start from what you know. Perhaps it’ll help you find your way.
Good luck. <3
Mod note: This could potentially spark some disagreements, but please bear in mind that everyone has a right to their opinion and the emotions we feel are just that, emotions. It’s not something that’s easy to control.
disclaimer: trans man with a penchant for essays here.
I can see where the OP is coming from (and using the ‘trans*’ in YKYTW in this case to refer solely to trans women when many posts so far have used ‘trans*’ to refer solely to trans men = clever table turning), but the truth in the statement is questionable.
For decades, just about all trans attention, pro- or anti-, were focused on trans women; there are still today so many people who don’t even know that trans men exist. The existence of trans men continues to be challenged and questioned, admittedly due largely in part to trans misogyny - the kyriarchy thinks it ‘normal’ for ‘women’ to ‘want to be’ men, but can’t fathom why someone with male privilege would give it up to ‘become’ a woman, given that women are still largely considered inferior in the misogynistic world we live in. So yeah, a lot of scorn, hatred, objectification etc. ends up directed at trans women as a result, and I do not wish to dismiss that in any way.
But at the same time, due to the increased visibility of trans women, it is arguable that they are able to get noticed and receive help and support (legal or otherwise) for their transition faster than trans men. I live in Singapore and can only speak for my country, but over here, teenage trans girls on (often illegal) E are common; whereas, at 21, I’m the youngest trans guy on T I know. If a trans girl comes out to people, chances are that she will be believed. She may be accepted, or thrown out of the house, but in most cases people will believe that she is trans, largely because femininity in ‘men’ (and, well, femininity in general) is still such a huge taboo, and one that raises red flags everywhere.
If a ‘man’ is seen in a dress, at least some people will wonder if they are trans. If a ‘woman’ is seen in a shirt and jeans, it barely blips on any radars, and people would continue treating them as any other female-looking person. Which in some cases is definitely a good thing for safety and whatnot, but I’m still marginally annoyed at how my mother seems to have no problem referring to even pre-HRT trans women with female pronouns, but still has trouble using male pronouns for either me or my trans male friends, some of whom are years on T, beards and all.
For the majority of trans men, coming out is often treated as just a phase; they’re thought to be ‘just tomboys’, or butch lesbians, or otherwise masculine women, and ‘normal’. We also have to fight against societal misogyny from a different angle - because hey, women are considered inferior, so of course some ‘women’ don’t want to be women, etc etc etc. So it takes a lot more effort to convince therapists and doctors that we are really trans, this is not a phase, we’re not just ‘butch’, and so on.
…okay I have essayed long enough.
ahaha the first part is my life. only actors in plural. >_>
THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY AND THEY MAKE ME SO SAD
AND SAD KEANU JUST CONFUSES ME
but it’s been getting better since T. now it’s mostly happy. but sad keanu is still sad.