aaskew42

2537) I’m jealous of the ability of straight cis people to be sexually conservative (e.g. in favour of monogamy, sex only within marriage, non-kinky, non-sex-positive) without feeling like and being accused of being a hypocrite, all because of something I didn’t choose. I wish I had the right to be thought of as an asshole no more or less than they are.

I don’t really know why your choices would make you an asshole or a hypocrite, as long as you’re not pushing them on everyone else and screaming ” I COSPLAY AND YOU DRINK AND HAVE SEX THEREFORE I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RAPED.”

because you’d be an asshole no matter what your gender identity is? I don’t understand. can someone explain this to me?

I need to stop de-anoning on things because it might lose me followers but I really wanted to address this because I got triggered by the accusation of rape apologism:

1) that’s kind of what I meant - how on earth did you get from the OP of “I’d like the ability to be sexually conservative” to “I am better than you and you deserve to be raped”? Even as an extreme? srsly?

2) I never push my choices on anyone, because I firmly believe that everyone has the right to live how they like and do what they want, even if others may disagree, as long as it doesn’t hurt others (and sometimes if it does, because some hurts are sadly unavoidable; heck, loads of people disagree with me being gay and/or trans, and I’m sure at least a few radfems are hurt by it, but I’d still like the ability to continue being myself.)

But sometimes I wish I also had the ability to actively consider some things wrong without feeling like a bad person. For instance - I think incest is wrong, even though I wouldn’t stop consenting adults who wanted to engage in it, because that’s none of my business. I know they aren’t hurting anyone and all that, but it *still* feels wrong to me, and despite my best efforts I have trouble overriding that instinctual reaction, it usually just leaves me triggered and shaky when I try, and I hate that it makes me an intolerant judge-y person.

This is especially so because it makes me mad when people go on about how they “disagree with homosexuality” but still have gay friends and wouldn’t stop gay people from being gay. And I realise I’m effectively doing the same thing, and it makes me hate myself and feel like even more of a hypocrite.

Whereas if I were straight and cis, there would be much less for me to feel hypocritical about in that area, because my identity wouldn’t be considered wrong by the majority of people in the first place.

3) there’s also the usual conflict in the LGBT community between the assimilationists and the… whatever the opposing party is called… where the former just want to be seen as no different from anyone else and would rather blend in and live quiet unobtrusive lives, while the other group scorns the notion of becoming like the cishetero normies and would rather be visibly and radically queer; I fall more into the former group, because I don’t like having my identity be used as a political statement or to define how I live my life, and I’ve received direct/indirect flak for that.

4) I also struggle very heavily with slut-shaming, because most of my instincts would like me to do that, a lot, and violently so. For years I’ve harboured secret/not-so-secret resentment towards people who have lots of sex and enjoy it, and I think a large part of that originates from jealousy at how I can’t do that myself because of extreme dysphoria - still a virgin, occasionally want to have sex, but even in a hypothetical situation in which there is mutual attraction and we both want to do it, I’m still not sure that I’d be able to without feeling completely shitty and dysphoric about it. So basically it’s just selfish pettiness here. But it has very real effects on my thoughts and reactions to things, which also make me feel like a bad person. I went through a phase around puberty in which I strongly believed that all (cis) men should be castrated so they wouldn’t be able to have sex, and as a bonus it would greatly alleviate the rape problem. I was pretty vocal about this, too; it’s a wonder my teachers didn’t send me off for counselling. :\

5) another huge source of guilt - I don’t think I can be sex-positive. I know and have been told many times that sex-positivity *is* all about choices and the freedom for everyone to make their own choice. I agree with that on principle, but for me it’s similar to how many people who are all for gender equality refuse to call themselves feminists because of its history of transphobia and so on. In this case, I have yet to read a single sex-positive article or visit a similar site without being triggered in some way. I once encountered a piece with girls waxing lyrical about their vaginas (with photos), and I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking for a few hours. So - sex-positivity has a lot of negative connotations for me, and I have problems associating myself with or honestly lending my support for it. Now whenever I see something about sex-positivity, I run the other way. Have been bashed for this too.

6) so basically my guilt is not about my choices, but about my thoughts. i’m sorry. hope this helped explain things. thanks for reading.

(Source: ftmconfessions, via assault-and-batterie)